the race is over

many years ago when i landed in Tampa Florida from the slow motion and romantic city of Shiraz, i didn't expect to see a city of Lincoln town cars, pink Cadillac, fuss ball hair do and early birds dinner at 5:00 pm.
the picture that i had was far from what i had growing up of united states, it was more like Manhattan.
full of hustle and bustle. or something of Texas landscape.

this was different. here the activity was bingo, driving 25 mile per hour and the fashion was bleached hair, ice blue eyeshadow and hot pink lipstick which went with their toasted tan and New York accent.

this beautiful city of Tampa has a boulevard which we lived on. it was the longest drive by the bay that stretches about 15 miles. it looks at the Davis island and harbor island. it ends one side in the port of Tampa and the other in mac dill air force space, yes that is the famous air force space.

any way i, like all other nice immigrant, got a car and registered for English school, and with a help of a translator friend got a driver license, ( she basically told the officer the right answer to every question while pretending to ask it from me). and started learning to read the map and find my way around the city.

back in my home town of Shiraz, Iran, our pass time was and is to cruise really fast in the congested street. basically the only activity for young adult comes down to borrowing a car from their dad and impressing other kids with their maneuver in street full of people, cars, buses and sometime animals.
compare what i am used to, driving here was unreal, people blinked 10 minutes before they turn. they would drive in one lane all the way to their destination. so racing with them was racing with the turtles. i would always win the race.

my everyday schedule was to go to school from 7 to 3 pm and went home, did homework. part of my homework was to watch 2 hours of TV.
of course i got hooked on opera right away. in 90s opera was more about the relationships and what went wrong in society. it was Jerry springer in more classy way. in my broken English i would hear how people got murder for saying the wrong things to someone or just being in wrong place in wrong time. it was all strange to me. and later in evening i would repeat it to my husband and he would say, that yes it is very dangerous out there.

a few weeks of this routine completely made me isolated from human and humane society. i was paranoid at everything and everybody. and it didn't help that my neighbor was an older man that picked out every time the elevator opened up.

in one of those muggy afternoon, i had my windows opened and cranked the music up, trying ro brush of homesickness. i stopped at the light and glanced to the car next to me. it was a man with Golden teeth waving his four finger at me. his car was broken and in bad shape. and if his smile wasn't bad enough he winked also.

as you can imagined, i thought to myself this is it. he is the kind they are talking about on TV., so i pushed the pedal little harder. i was hoping i could loose him. but he was right behind me. by next light he pulled next to me again. i tried avoiding him but he was still waving his four finger and he was not smiling. i was ready to cry, i closed my windows and i was racing the street when i spotted the police cars are blocking the road. i was a little relieved.
then i saw him waving at me to pull over to the side and flashing his light on top of his car. still unsure of the identity i pulled by the rest of the police cars.
i am in full blown hysteria. i speak in Farsi and English, incoherent completely. he said," ma am i told you nicely this is 40 mph street by waving my finger. you went faster. i tried to warn you again, still you went faster. before i stopped you, you were going 80 mph."
so they searched my purse and car and trunk, they told me," ma am this is not a race. " they pardoned me without ticket.

now, many more years later, Tampa is not like before thanks to the 2000 boom, we had 29 tower going up in one year in down town and even Donald trump thought we were worthy of his name for a tower.
the senior citizens have moved to a sun city retirement center.

the landscape of my life has changed too. i have 3 kids of my own which one is just started to drive. he is cautious driver, but there are many young fellow that cut in front of him. he gets all angry. and when he pulls over he says, this is not a race.
as for me, i just smile.

the years of my life

it is Monday morning. i look out my window, the ski is blue and sea is very flat and quiet. there is no wave or cloud in site.
it was not the same story yesterday, when i was trying to practice some lesson that i learned, on changing karma and adding years to my life.

they say it is all in planning, if you plan ahead , you can 90% guarantee that you would have a smooth journey.
whoever has said that, has not met me and my karma.
my karma is full of adventures, and roller coaster rides. it seems like as much as i plan my life, travel and party, never turns out the way i imagined.
i travel, i have near death experience in 35000 feet above ground, nevertheless hospital.
i get job, they go bankrupted.
i go on relaxing cruise , i get stormy sea.
i change job the market goes belly up.

anyway this past week i was watching opera ( i am an opera junkie ), her program was on how you can change your life and extend the years of your years by spending time with fun and young friends while drinking wine.

so i have planned and planned, i bought all the supplies and invited all the fun friends that were available in the area.
Sunday morning,
around 8:00 am, everything was going according as planned. it was beautiful sunny, 75 degree. not a cloud in site. i looked out of my window and said to myself, this is going to be perfect day. all the sudden i hear something or someone moaning. i go to see who it was. it was my husband, his back gave out. he was flat on the floor and couldn't roll to his side. i was counting on him in cleaning the house and be in charge of grill.
we spend 2 hours trying to get him up to his feet. with help of oxycodone, and lots aaahhh, he was finally moving around.
it is 11:00 am, i still have no lunch ready, while i am panicking in the kitchen, the dishwasher breaks.
12:00 the floor is vacuumed and kebob is ready, and i am thinking we can do this. all the sudden i see the wind picks up and dark cloud rolls in. i am still optometric, and trying to pull the Bar B Q under cover with help of my 12 years old daughter.
1:00 pm, it is pouring down rain. the grill doesn't stay on.
this is while the fun people and their children have arrived and they all trapped inside. kids are all running around and screaming, while we are trying to practice adding years to our lives.

by now, i have decided to start cooking inside, when i find out my stove is broken.

at 4:00 pm, i finally feed people some food.
at 6:00 pm after many glasses of wine and many more jokes later, we end the night.

so now , the dishwasher is working, husband is not hurting as much. the house is back to normal. i think to myself, living for many more years extra means exactly that. i would have more and more of bumps and hiccups ahead, for a longer period of time.

i guess what i need to add to my long journey ahead is not quantity of years and length.
it is to add quality to and widen the width of the years.
i need to enjoy everyday and every moment.
i have to stretch what i have now, before i rush ahead and plan for more. and always leave some room for disaster in my planning.
because wherever i go, my karma needs some room to wiggle around.

Reality and Sucess

there is no telling how many of us have never become what we wanted to be, simply because we believed that it could never really happen. yet think of all the others who refused to accept reality and chose instead to pursue their dreams, to attempt the unattainable.
therefore, i live without certainty in an ongoing experiment without regard to the cards i hold. i recognize that others are playing the same game and have the cards of their own. thus reality remains an illusion, as we wonder and worry where the ship of fate will take us. the only reality is that we are here. it is up to each of us to follow our own dreams and desires in hopes that the reality we seek will indeed become so for us.
those who succeed do so despite reality, not becuase of it. the real success in life is to be able to create your own reality and success by viewing the world and those around you, as you want to believe they are.

i have a family who belive i am a good, fun, smart and wonderful person. i never attempt to alter their reality of me, no matter how mangified or larger than life it may be. instead, i try to live up to their image of me in hopes that someday it may be true.
make your reality whatever you want it to be and succeed.
love and peace

you can start a war whenever you want, but you can not finish it when you please.
so let's keep the peace.
firoozeh

i saw how waterfall lost her life when she jump from the rocks. i saw the long hair of snow got white when she was waiting for winter to come.
i saw how fire slept with ashes while watching the unfaithful smoke leaving her.
i saw how autumn was dropping the flowers and leaves when she lost the spring.
i saw how life goes on without me living it.
firoozeh

fa

dear brother

it was a teary night last night,you came to my bed side in my dream. it was like you were present in my room. you were still young like the day you left us. it seems like you wanted to tell me something. you wanted to know if we knew what you felt the last night of your life. if we knew what it felt that night walking toward the unknown.
my dear brother
what was it that you were you looking for?
in my dream,
you were here and you were not here.


dear brother

the day that you died, i was there and i wasn't there, i was too young to realize what they have done to you.
the only thing that i could comprehend, was watching our father from under the dining room table. he couldn't sit down and kept walking and saying Ey Vay, and keep slapping the back of one hand with the other hand.
those smiling eyes of his was sad till the day he died.
i remember watching from behind the screen in dining room, our mother that was so sad that couldn't cry anymore. she was sitting on the floor and her back to the wall and legs stretched on the in front of her. her head was moving on a pattern on the wall from side to side.
her lips was hanging toward the ground frozen. for years to come.
i remember our father writing letter on your birthday to you,or escaping to the countryside for days at the time.
i remember that your clothes was organized in your closet the way you left them.
even when we moved to the new house that baba built with thousand of hopes to raise his family, you had your own room the one you wanted.

your friends would come and visit and stay for days.
bitter sweet side of that was that all of them has joined you soon after.

dear brother

why you wanted me think about your killer and assassins?
i was distressed and puzzled, i couldn't sleep for the rest of the night, thinking why are you so persistence?

dear brother

you are gone, we stayed. i watched how moman stayed in state of just pure sadness and never laughed, she was lost in haze of disbelieving.
we stayed and saw it.
you are gone and baba is gone.
but we stayed. we stayed and watched life go on without our loved ones with no stopping.
we love you and baba.

you know foroozan has son named amir hosein, i have a son named ahmad and mehdi has a son named hosein,

Hosein Torab.

you know when he named his son, hosein we were scared very scared. for us and for mom, but he has brought so much joy that has healed a lot of the wounds. now we can say your name and smile, there is someone that is carrying your name and your identity with curiosity.
he is happy and vigorous and full of joy.
he is a new Hosein Torab.

dear brother

i don't know how was the last walk of your life?
but i know you walked tall and strong.
i know you were Hosein Torab to the last moment of your life, vigorous, alive, challenging and strong.
i love you man, i miss you forever. hopefully i see you in heaven.

your bad bad sister
firoozeh

no idea

i am seating at my desk. it is 5:30 in the morning of wed the 10th day of september.
i can't sleep, and i usually have no time for anything else beside my life.
but looks like i do today. it is peaceful morning.
and i have absolutly no idea what to blog about.
so i am writing i might come to me.