dear brother

it was a teary night last night,you came to my bed side in my dream. it was like you were present in my room. you were still young like the day you left us. it seems like you wanted to tell me something. you wanted to know if we knew what you felt the last night of your life. if we knew what it felt that night walking toward the unknown.
my dear brother
what was it that you were you looking for?
in my dream,
you were here and you were not here.


dear brother

the day that you died, i was there and i wasn't there, i was too young to realize what they have done to you.
the only thing that i could comprehend, was watching our father from under the dining room table. he couldn't sit down and kept walking and saying Ey Vay, and keep slapping the back of one hand with the other hand.
those smiling eyes of his was sad till the day he died.
i remember watching from behind the screen in dining room, our mother that was so sad that couldn't cry anymore. she was sitting on the floor and her back to the wall and legs stretched on the in front of her. her head was moving on a pattern on the wall from side to side.
her lips was hanging toward the ground frozen. for years to come.
i remember our father writing letter on your birthday to you,or escaping to the countryside for days at the time.
i remember that your clothes was organized in your closet the way you left them.
even when we moved to the new house that baba built with thousand of hopes to raise his family, you had your own room the one you wanted.

your friends would come and visit and stay for days.
bitter sweet side of that was that all of them has joined you soon after.

dear brother

why you wanted me think about your killer and assassins?
i was distressed and puzzled, i couldn't sleep for the rest of the night, thinking why are you so persistence?

dear brother

you are gone, we stayed. i watched how moman stayed in state of just pure sadness and never laughed, she was lost in haze of disbelieving.
we stayed and saw it.
you are gone and baba is gone.
but we stayed. we stayed and watched life go on without our loved ones with no stopping.
we love you and baba.

you know foroozan has son named amir hosein, i have a son named ahmad and mehdi has a son named hosein,

Hosein Torab.

you know when he named his son, hosein we were scared very scared. for us and for mom, but he has brought so much joy that has healed a lot of the wounds. now we can say your name and smile, there is someone that is carrying your name and your identity with curiosity.
he is happy and vigorous and full of joy.
he is a new Hosein Torab.

dear brother

i don't know how was the last walk of your life?
but i know you walked tall and strong.
i know you were Hosein Torab to the last moment of your life, vigorous, alive, challenging and strong.
i love you man, i miss you forever. hopefully i see you in heaven.

your bad bad sister
firoozeh